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This was the feeling that descended upon me as the leaves withered and dropped from the trees, and the corporations of the world began their annual marketing blitz. Christmas was almost on top of me, and I knew what that meant.I always became depressed around Christmas, but I could never figure out exactly why. I liked the presents and the cookies and the lights and stuff, but that just didn't seem to satisfy the question that I never had gotten a satisfactory answer for:"What _was_ Christmas all about?"Not it's origins, or its symbolic meaning, but what was it all supposed to mean? Was it supposed to be the way it was? What were you supposed to do when depressed and surrounded by happy people busily buying presents for their friends, family, passing acquaintances, and the "Who-the-hell-is-this-guy" that mysteriously entered their lists of people to shop for?As I came home from the last day of school before Christmas break (A week-long Christmas break? Please!), I saw that there was. Desire is. Everything is. He'd read up on it, of course, because that was what he did. "The heart and the mind... what an enigma." Charlie Chaplin had said that, but others said similar things. He was afraid to let Jennifer's love be a mystery.He told friends he feared desire and love just happened. That's what he had said when he and Jennifer had gone through their bad time. He knew you didn't choose your desires. For his part, he loved Jennifer but he wanted many women. Desire chose this one, or that one. Could Jen ever want someone else? She was certain of us, then she wasn't, now she is again. I don't think I can ever be certain of anything. That's not true. I'm certain I need her.He didn't tell Jen or anyone else that he fantasized all the time, that he had thoughts of what he could do with some woman, of how he could arrange it. He had to force the fantasies aside so he could work.There was a girl just today, a student, walking along the sidewalk. A summer day, nothing in.
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